Updated: Oct 10
Hello my name is Marie and I am an Addict.
I was born on the 2nd of march in Belgium 1997. But I wasn't alone, I have a twin brother.
I grew up in a loving family in a little town in West-Flandres. Had a normal youth but never felt good enough for anyone or myself.
I was born with the disease of addiction but had no awareness of this. When I look back I can see some my addictive behaviours like: I couldn’t stop playing the Sims, when I went swimming, it took hours to come out of the pool.
Like we addicts say: "One is too many and a thousand never enough."
Some other addictive behaviours when I was older: I was allowed to go out around my 16 but I always wanted to stay longer. So was never home on time, I got grounded because of that. But I didn’t care, I was sneaking out of the house and partying. I had these feelings inside that I wanted/needed to belong, that I wanted to be good enough so I could be your friend. In order to do that (I thought), I need to be badass, rebel or drink. Others were allowed to stay out later but I wasn’t... So I had to show everyone that I was cool. The truth was.. I never actually belonged because I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. So 3 years passed that I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I was getting good at putting on a mask so nobody could see the broken boring Marie I actually was.
I went to go Ghent, College, my mindset: FREEDOM! I remember that I was very excited, new school, new city... Now I was one of the students. Everything started great, went to school, started studying. But then I had a taste of what freedom + being a student was. Within 4 years I fucked up my life completely. Failed exams, hurt people, lied, stole, manipulate, took advantage and my only solution how to deal with all of this was Alcohol and Drugs. Alcohol was my one true love. The one who was filling this emptiness inside of me. These substances gave me the courage to be social and that I belonged, that I was "cool". I really thought this was how you live life. Well... It’s not. The only thing alcohol & drugs made me do was fuck up my life cause I wanted to be someone I wasn't, I wanted to be enough, I was escaping a lot of feelings I didn't want to feel, I thought I belonged, And I ended up using (running),...
20/11/2018 The day my brother who hated me so much saved my life. He send me a link of a video where someone was talking about her addiction and that she had found help and was now offering help to others. At first I got really angry because I couldn’t see the fact that I had a problem. I didn’t know about this disease or what I was doing or that I am an addict. After talking with other people, I decided to go and get help. I found help in South Africa, Cape town.
When I arrived I had no clue what I started… The plan was to go 1 month in primary and 2 months in a Safe House (Liberty Home). The more insight I got into the disease of addiction the more I could understand myself and what this disease is and how to recover from it.
When I had to stay another month in primary I was really angry and didn’t want to stay another month. It was my addict side who didn’t want to stay.
Today I am glad I did stay another month in primary. I went to the safe house and started seeing all differents sides of myself. Still a lot of work but I could start accepting myself and reintegrate into life. Being in the safehouse started me thinking of an idea that I had years ago but never started it because of addiction. Now I have the tools to start with this idea. I am an addict in recovery and I will always be, but I am proud to be in recovery. I am grateful to everyone who has helped me to realise I am an addict and for the opportunity to be helped.