The year 2021 began on the coach watching a series by myself. I celebrated my 2 years clean with a wonderful video that my family and friends made for me which was very special for me! The year began with COVID restrictions. A very hard time for everyone!
I didn’t start the year 2021 with feeling comfortable in my own skin or feeling happy. I felt very lonely, trying to find where I belong and where I fit in. Not easy! So when my wonderful friend had a baby I had to go and visit her in Cape Town and see this little baby for myself! Also I missed Cape Town like crazy because that is where I felt like I fit in and belong. No judgement, accepted, ... It's where I was reborn. It will always have a special place in my heart!
I had an amazing 2 weeks and I decided to give Cape Town another chance, I moved back to Cape Town for 6 months. I was convinced that I would stay there for the rest of my life but for the first time I started missing Belgium… at first that was a very weird feeling and didn’t really know what to do with it… I just ignored the feeling for a long time until I accepted it. Cape Town was great! I got to spend time with GIGI, she is the rock in my life! (She is a dog). I learned to live with someone, I learned to share my creativity, I learned more about my goals and what I want, I learned more about life and how I deal with certain things. I learned how to take care of myself. I learned how important family and friends are... So I went back to Belgium, still thinking that I would go back to Cape Town but when I arrived here in Belgium I had this feeling of coming home…#weird I decided to give Belgium a chance again and I was pleasently surprised!
Trying to build a social life again wasn't ‘easy’ in the beginning when I was back because life starts again. Building relationships with people is something I’ve struggled my whole life with. I give my everything until it’s not wanted anymore and I fall into a black whole not knowing what to do. Then I freak out ... Not knowing what comes next absolutely drives me nuts! But again, I'm not the only one!
Falling into that black whole also pushed me into coming out of my comfort zone and meeting new people. I learned how to trust people again, how to laugh and make jokes. Finding my light again while living in Belgium. Never thought this would be possible. But not everything went great.. Opening myself up for love and getting my heart broken was horrible and very painful but that’s life… I'm not the only one who goes through this. It's just very hard to let this person go but I'm trying my best! Day by day, step by step. This hurt took over for some days but now that hurt isn't in control anymore. The thing I learned is that I can't control everything as a control freak. The more I try doing this the more I screw things up... Life goes on!
So I went back for some time to Cape Town to gather my thoughts and clear my head. But most importantly the wedding of a person who is very very very special to me!! And it was beautiful! When I came back I knew I had confidence again but I was still very confused. Going through all of these feelings of loneliness showed me my strength in that feeling. I am who I am and if you don’t like me, your problem… I’m done with feeling lonely and trying to fit in with people that don’t want me.
Eventho it is my dream to have a group of friends like a lot of people have, I think I have to let go of that dream. I keep trying when I actually shouldn’t try and just be me. I don’t have many close feiends but I have great loving and caring friends! And I am grateful for them!
Do I fully know who I am? No… I still learn about myself every day. I still make a lot of mistakes and that’s okay! I had a very lonely year but I learned a lot about myself! I still feel lonely every day and that’s okay. You can be in a romm with 10000 of people and still feel lonely. It doesn’t matter how many people you know! For me it matters who is authentic and honest with their selves and others. People who don’t judge when you’re not feeling okay or when you make a mistake. People who support you and make you grow. People that are there for you. Who make time for you. People who accept you for you. I got a couple of those ☺️ Lucky me!!
These last few weeks are very emotional for me because I start my process of letting go of everything that happend in 2021 and remember the fun and positive moments! We will see what 2022 will brings but I can say that I won’t start 2022 sitting on my coach watching series by myself! I’m not starting 2022 alone!! Woop woop! I’m so happy for this!! 😍 I can’t describe how grateful I am for this!
I know 2021 isn’t over yet but… Thank you 2021 for teaching me some valuable lessons and giving me challenges! I am done with feeling lonely, 2022 let’s change that! #positivethinking