1321 Days

Hi everyone! How are you all? I hope everything is okay and that you had an amazing summer so far! The weather has been very very very hot... There are a few things I would like to talk about actually... I feel a little bit stupid, betrayed en left behind actually. There are a lot of emotions going through my head and body.

First there is a question I would like to ask... How do you let go of someone you love with all of your heart? (I'm not really looking for an answer as I write these blogs not to generate compassion for me or anything) It's sad when you have grown close to someone and they are scared so all that is left to do is let go of this person in a romantic way. I must say it's very hard and sad. And I actually don't want to let go. I miss this person so much eventho he is not really out of my life or out of sight. It's hard when you want to talk about how you feel to the one person you actually can't talk to. I guess I do have a broken heart and I try to hide it as much as possible but I haven't slept for weeks because I'm afraid to dream or think about him. What hurts me the most and maybe that is my fault thinking is that how can he forget me or not care for me anymore so quickly.

And I don't want to whine about to my friends about him because there are other and more important things to deal with. I just need to voice the fact that I'm grieving and recalculating life at the moment. The past few weeks I have learnt a lot about people and how they react to certain situations. I must say that I was surprised, I thought I had people around me who cared about me but I don't think they do to be honest. I hear a lot of gossip about me and I think (correct me if I'm wrong) I have not done anything wrong towards anyone personally. But still I'm the one who is interrupting or to sum it up, the bad guy.

I care a lot about people and I will always have faith in the goodness of people but I will not make you walk over me. I will just go away and I won't forget. This is not pointed at someone personally, it's just in general. If you do feel it's about you well then that is your problem, not mine. Talking about faith in the goodness of people... It makes me think about trusting people. Can I actually trust anyone? People I thought I could trust have shown me that I can't trust them. Makes me thing if there is something wrong with me. Am I actually such a horrible person that you start talking bad about me to everyone to make me feel bad? Am I such a wrong person that you think it's so easy to break my trust? Don't ever think that you could take advantage from me and think that I'm dumb because I am not! Don't think because I'm crying and feeling bad that you have "won". I have my process to deal with emotions and situations. And you can keep your judgement to yourself.

Okay these last things were a bit angrier then expected... But I'm not going to rewrite or delete what is going on in my head. Then I break my honesty to all of you and myself. Minds are a dangerous place to go by yourself. And I sometimes have the need to share whatever is going on in my head because I need to reality check it. I'm an emotional thinker and can easily go and live in a "fantasy".

I went to We Can Dance 2022 (Festival) for the first time ever since being clean and sober. I was scared to actually go because it's unknown territory but I must say that it was amazing! I have danced my ass off and did not care what other people said. I had the best mocktails ever!! I also saw myself in a way... There was a girl crying in the corner and I went to her and asked her what was wrong and she said that her friends said that her character is to much to handle. I felt for this girl and said that I could totally relate! I made her stand up and come with us to dance! Suddenly there was a smile on her face again. My friends took care of her and asked if she was okay! Very nice to see of them! I'm glad I went to WCD2022! Festivals are not for every day or weekend but maybe once a year when I feel safe.

To recap a little bit is I'm trying to do my best and keep moving forward but I can't push away my hurt and pain... The feeling of betrayal. It will all be fine but It just takes time... And currently I don't really like time, I want this heartbreak to go away and just feel happy again. But I also need to learn from this chapter in my life. Love can be beautiful but also very painful. But that’s life… I’m not the only one and like I said.. I’m not in any way looking for compassion, just trying to be open and honest.

Xoxo

Lot’s of love

M_In_Recovery