1298 Days
Hi Everyone,
First of all I want to wish everyone nice and fun holidays! I hope everyone is enjoying their time with family, friends, ... And let's pray for fantastic weather during the holidays!
I'm sorry it took my such a long time to write another blogpost... I do have a lot to say and apologise for. I haven't been feeling great the past few months actually... And It might be just my thinking but I feel continuing judgement around me about me. I also do complain about a lot of stuff and should be more grateful. But I do think that no one understands me.. I'm a very complicated person and I'm far from perfect but I do try to do thing differently and I feel very judged for it, that I keep doing things very wrong. I try and understand others and listen to what is going on. I forgive and will just be silent if something needs to be silent and not talked about to others. I try but I have also lied about the love I feel for someone, I've hurt people by not telling them the whole story. I really want to tell the whole story but for now I can't because it hurts a lot at the moment and I don't know how to explain it. I just want to apologise to everyone I've hurt and lied to. I have a very hard time letting go.
I'm now at a point where I feel completely alone but it's my own fault. I've pushed family and friends away and I don't know why I do this. I know I have everything to be happy but I'm not and I try to be, I try to find ways to feel happy but I just can't find it. When I want another dog, I get backtalk on not to do it because of this and that... In a few days I'll be in Belgium for a year and it's not about the place where I am or live because I felt like this when I was in Cape Town as well but just never talked about it. I've been searching for ways to feel happy and comfortable for 3,5 years now and I've just lost my motivation to keep on searching. I'm exhausted emotionally. And all of this is my fault cause I can't change anybody else but myself. And I don't need any help or something, I need to do this myself. I don't want to be the sad person where you feel compassion for or something.
I feel this post is a bit chaos and that I'm jumping from the one thing to the other so I apologise if you can't follow my post or what I'm talking about. One of the things is that I do have everything to be happy and people say to me that I just have to be happy but I just can't, I'm too exhausted...
I'm a veery caring and forgiving person who will try and understand everyone, I would jump for everyone in a heartbeat. I want to help everyone and include them. I want to let people feel loved and enough. But I forget myself. I am an open person who will share a lot but there are some things about myself that I didn't share and that is okay but people are mad at me for it. People keep saying that I shouldn't care about what others say and just forget about it but I do care... Cause I care about the person. Then I feel excluded in everything and all I ever wanted is to belong and be good enough for myself and others but I'm not. I've been doing selfceare exercises to get that feeling back that I'm good enough but don't believe it. I can't believe it anymore. If others cannot see it then how will I see it?
Some of my friends are very very lucky to have someone who texts them to do something and to not let them feel alone or feel part of a group. I feel that I always have to reach out and get shut down a lot, not always, but a lot. Am I actually a person or a friend? I do wonder...
I don't know.. like I said, my head is chaos and confused. The one positive thing is, I'm still clean and sober! I could write so much more but I'm scared that you will think I'm pathetic and just need to go on with life without wining about all this.
XOXO
Lot's of love
M_In_Recovery
