In 2 days I will be clean and serene for 3,5 years! I know in the fellowship this is not a keyring milestone but for me this is a very big one. But let's keep it just for today even tho I'm super excited for this milestone!
To be honest this milestone couldn't come at a better time. For the past few weeks I've been feeling very insecure and not good enough. I've been struggling with myself which has had an effect on others. Not responding, isolating, just being quiet, being in my head, not being able to enjoy being with my friends or enjoy the moment. My head hasn't been quiet in like forever it feels like. I can't make up my mind of what I actually want in life. I've been feeling very selfish and I do apologise for my behaviour but these are just words if I don't take action to get myself out of this dark whole. I can see the light but I don't feel the motivation to run towards it. I'm tired of running and trying. I've been trying a lot of things different and I can't seem to find the "right" way at the moment. I know that life is searching and exploring but when will it stop being searching and exploring? When will I find my way? I know I'm not the only one struggling at the moment and I'm sorry if you are struggling right now! I wish I could help you find your light again! Like one of my friends said: just keep going! Everything will be okay!
I used to always know what I want and ever since Tracey died (not blaming her) my head doesn't know what it wants anymore... The pain of losing Tracey has scared me more then I thought it would, while I'm writing this blog I started realising this. This is not an excuse for everything else but it's a place to start again.
The other thing that is hurting me is the fact that I don't want to loose a certain someone but the more I try not to lose this person the more I push this person away and in fact am losing this person. This is also the person I can talk to when I feel like this but I can't do this at the moment. There needs to be some space for a while to heal.
All I can think is "what the f*** am I doing wrong... My not feeling good enough feeling has been coming up a lot lately because I can't believe it myself now.. Or is this all a grieving period? I try to stay strong but I just can't stop crying. But I also know that I can't stop crying because I'm doing an emotional cleanse now. It all needs to come out now. All my emotions have been bottled up for too long. There is a lot of anger that I feel beneath my tears, there is a lot of hurt and a lot of letting go that I want to hold onto. A battle of emotions in my head. Writing all of this down is step number 1, I think step number 2 is having a little ceremony for Tracey but I don't know how... I only know that I want to be in nature. Step 3 I actually already did... clean, iron, ... and step 4 is selfcare! What happens for 5, 6, .. I will decide after my selfcare! One step at a time!
I just think it's important to be real and not being afraid to say what is actually on your mind. Eventho I waited to long to write this all down, there is no rush for anything. One day at a time, just for today! My life isn't all darkness, there are a lot of thing that I'm very grateful for! Like my family and friends but I needed to write down what was going on in my head. There are still things that are still left unsaid or that I'm afraid to express but the time will come that I will express them. I'm scared of the future. I'm very scared of a lot of things, I live my life in fear and that's not okay... I wasn't the scared girl.. I was the positive, unfearing girl that was ready to explore and live life not thinking of other people's opinions and just kept going no matter what! I know she is still in me and that she wants to come out but then there is this other side of myself that I don't want to unleash cause then I know how everything is going to end. Sometimes I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. Or be surprised or something... Idk!
I know that everything will be okay and that this too shall pass! I'm a strong and independent. I've fought bigger battles than these one. I will survive and get through it! I know my English isn't perfect and that there are writing mistakes in my blog but I honestly don't even care! I'm not perfect, I'm just human. I'm not special or anything, I'm just trying to be M(ari)E! That's it!
Writing this blog has actually helped me a lot! I instantly feel a little bit better! I'm still deciding if I'm going to share this post but if I don't then it's not fair towards all of you that I'm hiding my feelings of who I truly feel. Enough hiding! It's okay to not be okay! It's okay to share your feelings without expecting a response because that is not why I'm writing these blogs. I'm writing them to clear my own head and maybe I can help someone with them. Who knows?
*Fun fact: I never ever read my own blogs!*
Playlist at the moment:
Sorry seems to hardest word - Elton John
Why Wait - Lilla Vargen
Silhouette - Grace Carter
Empty space - James Arthur
Warrior - Demi Lovato
Rise up - Andra Day
I won't give up - Christina Grimmie
Remember (Acoustic) - Becky Hill
It'll Be okay - Shawn Mendes
Some people must think wawww that is some sad music, but this does helps me get back on my feet! It makes me realise that I need to get up and go on with life, think positive and just take it day by day. I'm weird sometimes but that's okay, I don't really care if I'm weird or not. Everyone has their own way of dealing with certain situations! And that's okay!
I need to stop writing now because I have a lot of work to do!! I do apologise for the long blog but I needed it! I hope everyone has a very nice day and an awesome week!
Thank you for reading my blog!
Lot's of love