1072 Days
Hey everyone! Today I was thinking about something I've actually thought about for a long time but never put down in words... I don't know if I will be able to write it down how I want to write it down but we will see! The thing is that I never think about what I'm going to write so it just flows out. I never know what I'm going to write about until I finish my blogpost. But this is just a side note... So let's go!
The thing I was thinking about came from a song... "One and only" from Adele. This one sentence keeps sticking in my head "You'll never know if you never try to forget your past and simply be mine" and this suddenly gave me a flashback about the thoughts I had months ago... And I'm afraid to write it down but here I go... Why are we so afraid to try things? to explore something that could be wonderful? What is so bad about crashing once or twice? Or is it just my crazy thinking that is thinking like this? I know it's not easy to rise when you have fallen but I do know that it is possible... I am very scared of emotions and my own thinking because I can go in overdrive and let my emotions lead me to say or do things I don't want to say or do... That leads me to also having a hard time letting go of certain things, situations, people, ... Or not wanting to let go because I felt happy and I don't want to lose that feeling.
I don't always feel happy and I know I will struggle with that for the rest of my life, I also know that I have everything that I need but still there is this little bit of unhappiness in my life that sometimes can control my life and pull me into this dark space. (Is this making sense for anyone? If not than that's okay!!) Maybe it's the holiday period that is making me thing more and more about all of this and I also think I'm losing the point I wanted to make ... Why don't we try to make things or situations work?
Like for example... I have this friend that I've known for a very long time and suddenly I don't hear anything from this person anymore because I gave up on the fact that I'm always reaching out and the outcome of me stop trying to reach out is that I haven't heard from this person in a years time... Just know that this was one of my closest friends and it hurts like hell not hearing anything from this person but I also know that this person is okay.
But than I just start doubting myself.. Am I such a bad friend? Did I make a mistake? Should I've tried more? Am I so unloveable? Will I ever find a partner? And so on and on.. It's the beginning of a spiral that is hard to snap out of. I don't give up, I barely give up on situations, goals, people, relationships, life... I gave up my life 3 years ago and then a spark of light came to me to leave for rehab and I just said yes let's do it! Because what is the worst that can happen? Did I crash? yes I did.
But I rebuild my car to start driving again, I took some bad turns along to way and the road will never be without any obstacles. Life will never be perfect but you can always make progress. Live day by day, minute by minute,... Live, love, work, and enjoy life! It's hard sometimes but you will get there if you never give up or try. If you never make mistakes or give something a try, how will you learn? Also don't take anything personally of what I write... this is just my thinking! But I am a 100% sure that you will get to wherever you want to get. You have your road to drive, your journey! And if you need help then I will always be here for you, remember that!! I will always listen to what you want or need to share!
So these were my thoughts I wrote down, it might be a little chaotic or hard to understand but it's something I wanted to share... I could keep on writing for hours but I will spare you from that ;)!
PS: YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON!
XOXO
Lot's of love
M_In_Recovery
