1038 Days
Hi Everyone! Yesterday someone inspired me to write another post. So here it is! I’ve been wanting to write one but I have been afraid to do so… I’m not sure why I’ve been afraid to write.
The last 2 weeks I’ve been struggling with my self esteem.. I haven’t been feeling good enough and a little bit lost. I kind of feel like I have lost my purpose or goal. I haven’t been feeling creative and it‘s beginning to bother me actually. I know where it comes from.. multiple things at once.
Sometimes I feel like when everything is going right and I feel happy there is something lurking over my shoulder.. “this is to good to be true”.
Whenever I try and take control or let my fears get in the way, it goes wrong… And I get so angry at myself for this because I try to not take control and make progresd but the same thing keeps happening. And I am so sick and tired of it to be honest… I don’t want to feel like this anymore and I know what I have to do to not feel like this. I just don’t want to get through it anymore, eventho I know this too shall pass.
I know this is a very negative blogpost and I’m not really sharing hope and courage. But this is how I feel on this moment and maybe it will be good to share because it’s out. I have been feeling guilty of feeling like this but in the end I’m human and I have the right to feel not okay for once. Everything will be okay and I’m okay. I know I’m not alone in this.
If anyone else is struggling, please reach out!! With winter coming there is an increase in depression or feeling down. And that’s okay! There is help and support! You just need to reach out!
There is also some anger that I have. I can feel it in my body. I haven’t really figured out why I am angry or how to release it cause it also comes with sadness. I know the direction of why I am angry… anyone heard this phrase? “Actions speak louder than words”. Well this has been messing with my head… I must say… not fun!
Like I do wonder If I am good enough, fun enough, interesting enough, funny enough, beautiful enough, etc.. And I know that I am! Sometimes I just forget to believe it. Which I shouldn’t forget actually. I listen to this song when I feel like this ‘I’m not pretty - Jessica’ and it pulls me up again. I cry my eyes out sometimes with sad & depressed music but after my “sad jam” I feel better again. And I’m ready to fight again.
I think the conclusion of everything that I blurted out or wrote down in this post is.. Life comes with ups and downs but don’t let it get to you. You will only be hurting yourself. (And this next one is for me..) Don’t take control and don’t let your fears take over. Everything will be okay in the end, we just have to go through some painfull process in order to grow and blossom again! I also want to let everyone know that I am fine! I just feel betrayed by my Higher Power.
And I forgot the most important and positive part of this post! I hit 2 years and 10 months milestone this week! Woehoeee! I’m so happy that I’m not using anymore cause it would only make things worse. I mean there is no point in using.
I hope someone got something out of my post… Know it’s okay to reach out! And I will try to write more often! Or to be less afraid to write and share the less positive feelings. Everyone stay safe! And thank you for reading my post!
xoxo
Lot’s of love
M_In_Recovery
